…No, I am not OK!

It’s been minute…a f%$@ing menopausal (pre) minute… Where to fu&%$ing begin…

oh yeah, PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING… f%$^, F%$^%, F^%#!!!

Here we go… What’s up with the bullshit and feeling like a fucking shell of your once, which looking back now seems like, amazing self. Exhausted, I am XHAUSTED, barely wanting to leave my house, talk on the phone, connect; put on real clothes. G-d forbid I actually have to be somewhere.

What the fuck, call it what you will; perimenopause, ADD, ADHD, Vertigo…whatever this shit is, I am not alone by a long shot. Soooo many women are feeling this way. Fuck, Amy Schumer is doing commercials about this shit. Yet, why the fuck is this WOMENS problem not solved? That’s fucking bullshit. It’s not new, it’s been going on for fucking ever. If this were a men’s issue, there’d be fuckin pill handed out by insurance companies. Fucking pussies couldn’t handle this shit. I am sure that sounds “whatever”, it’s true. Look at the history for PMS, think they used to give morphine and call women temporarily insane). We’re not enough taught how to understand our own biology, our own bodies. Historically studies were ONLY done on men.

Yes, the rage is coming on. If I lay down too fast or too much, I spin. If I sit too long, I lose train of thought and get sucked into Facebook stories about brave men and women in history or go down the overwhelming AI rabbit hole. This 3 year + existence is bullshit in case you didn’t hear that yet. Night sweats for 10 years, ok, even some of the neck and shoulder pain, I can handle that. There are other things too, like sleep issues and weight gains, but this brain bullshit, motivation shit, focus shit, feeling early onset dementia, not fucking cool. It’s not quite depression..but it’s full on something. Again, IT’S NOT JUST ME!!!!!!! This is what boggles my mind.

I could just complain and bitch, but I have taken action. I’ve tried BioT (not covered), HRT, Testosterone, Progesterone, AnxieTy, meds. Labs are good “within range”. Female or male doctor, doesn’t matter. Not necessarily dismissed, but not taught, or researched either. How are there not better options? Any real options; SOLUTIONS? How is this ok!? Where are case studies, trials, insurance companies?

Maybe exercise would help, but good luck finding the fucking energy, motivation to do that. Even those 7-minute a day from home bullshit. Makes me feel like a shitty human, shitty mom, shitty daughter and super shitty girlfriend. I barely go outside (i love the sun). Barely want to walk my dog. My dog is dying and I can’t even cry about it. Where’s my empathy, my humanity, my focus.

The things I used to enjoy, simple things, can’t do them unless out of obligation. I’ve been surviving for too long. I want to be alive. I get feeds now that know I feel like this; MIDI pops up a lot. Frozen shoulder, studies about ADHD and CBT. Everyone trying to sell me something. I need to get through the bullshit. Only so much bitching one can do. Empties my mind which is useful but doesn’t change shit.

Maybe I am looking for an easy (at least easier) fix, a pill, a cream, a diet…why shouldn’t we demand it? And why shouldn’t we have it?

Most likely no one will read this, and it is somewhat therapeutic, and I wanted to scream this out there. Maybe this will be my purpose if I can keep my train of thought long enough….ohhhhh a squirrel